BY: “Hello once again to The Show. Look guys, in the break, we sat down and decided to face our fears…I mean we can’t simply give up at the first hurdle…we will keep going, we’ll say whatever we want and we’re not afraid of anyone! Yes! We won’t be afraid of anyone!
But maybe if some people get upset if we mention certain people, so maybe it’s better if we just avoid mentioning them. But this is not fear! This is respect…I mean what’s the need for political satire, really? Egypt no longer has any interesting politics anyway. Things are stable and pleasant and everything is going well. Plus, talking about certain people is just upsetting. For this reason, and so the show can continue, we’ve decided not to mention: Judge Adly Mansour.
Guys, we’re going to change the whole style of show. We’ll stay away from…politics [siyasa and Sisi have the same first letters] completely. And we won’t mention it or suck up to it, and those who want to nominate…it…no, no, I’m sorry guys but this won’t work!
Khaled Mansour [KM]: “What’s wrong, Bassem? What’s up?”
BY: “I can’t Khaled, I can’t anymore…My nerves can’t handle this” KM: “Calm down, man, it’s alright. Have a drink of water”
BY: “It’s not worth getting into trouble over a show!”
Ayman: “Seems it’s a big deal. Cut the mic off, Khalif!”
Shadi: “Bassem, you can’t stop the show!”
BY: “What am I supposed to do? I can’t talk about anything, I may as well go home!”
Ayman: “Why man, there’s a whole army waiting for you outside”
BY: “Army!? Oh god, oh god, oh god!”
KM: “He means the public, a really large number. An army, you know, it’s a metaphor”
BY: “Is this really the time for rhetoric?! What are we going to do, Khaled?”
KM: “Just try and make a living, Bassem”
Ayman: “C’mon MBC approached you. You’ve got Mostafa Fahmy [famous actor] here in the audience. You can’t just quit!”
Shadi: “Think of us, Bassem. You have to keep going!”
BY: “Alright, alright, I’ll go back to talking politics”
Ayman: “What politics, man! The guy is telling you make a living!”
Shadi: “Alright, alright, wait, wait! I’ve got a solution. One sec…can these people hear us? No, keep going!”
BY: “Keep going! You’re the one who was talking!”
Shadi: “Oh yeah! OK, we’ll get a wheel!”
BY: “A wheel?”
KM: “You know, a wheel, the one’s that go around like that. And we can get some models. Wow people, Bassem!”
BY: “So we’ll get a bike and some models. What the hell do we do with them?”
KM: “Never mind, we’ll handle it”
BY: “OK, Khalifa. Turn the…oh you turned the mic back on. OK guys, we’ll carry on with the show. The guys have told me that we’ll do a different show in a creative way. We’re going to bring you…what are we doing, guys?!”
KM: “And now! With glamour With fun! With excitement! With the most entertaining of shows! The Show That Has Nothing To Do With Politics And Talks About Anything Else To Avoid Mentioning It and Avoid Us Losing Our Jobs…with Bassem Youssef!”
BY: “What are you doing back there, guys?”
KM: “Glamour takes time, Bassem…Give him a round of applause!”
Shadi: “Eh, eh? What do you think?”
BY: “This is glamour?” Shadi: “Wait for it…there you go!”
BY: “This is the new show, Khaled?”
KM: “No, no, no. this is how we’ll choose the new show”
BY: “OK, that’s the wheel, where are the models?”
KM: “They’re right there. It’s very simple, Bassem, we’ll spin the wheel and whatever topic it lands on is what the show will be about. Spin the wheel, Ayman!
No, not you! Spin the wheel, Shadi”
Healthcare! We’re going to talk about healthca…”
BY: “OK, OK, medicine. This is my game. Who needs politics? By the way, for those of you who don’t know, before I was TV, what was I?”
Man in clip: “Bassem Youssef is [censored]”
BY: “Oh you like that one, do you? I was a doctor! It’s natural that I would have a medical show. Something that is important for everyone. We’ll talk to people about their health, their eating habits, how to lose weight. Some nice easy topics!”
Woman in clip: “For those who want to lose weight, they can do so by just watching him [Sisi] and they won’t need food anymore. They’ll forget…. the taste of food…”
BY: “Oh wow, really? This is very easy! Science has come a long way. No need for exercise, exhaustion and dieting. We can just watch something and lose weight!”
Woman in clip: “if you watch him [Sisi], you’ll forget you need food and water. Please, Egyptian Television, show all Sisi’s interviews in full. Let us enjoy his words”
BY: “People, people! Didn’t we say we wouldn’t bother with this! And in any case, this is not scientific!”
KM: “It’s very scientific”
BY: “This is very scientific. If you don’t watch, you’ll get fat”
Ayman: “I swear I had no idea!”
BY: “Anyway, medicine is bigger than that. Forget about weight loss. You’ve got the people’s favourite medical topic: reproductive health”
Presenter: “Have you noticed that after the curfew, the period with the curfew, that there were a lot of pregnant women on the street?”
BY: “Oh really? I never noticed! Did you notice, Khaled?” KM: “Nope!”
Did you, Ayman? Ayman: “No”
Did you, Shadi? Shadi: “Yep!”
Oh you’re a real smart-ass, aren’t you?
This is not a joking matter! We’ve a very large population, with a high density of people”
KM: “A tragedy!”
BY: “And we keep on growing!”
Man on TV: “Maybe the government should impose this [the curfew]. He’s solved the country’s marital problems! I mean God bless Sisi, really!”
Presenter: “but, but, he’s increased the birth rate”
BY: “Bless him, yeah! We’re a small population and we need to increase the population”
KM: “A tragedy!”
BY: “And we keep shrinking!
Medicine seems fine, and clearly doesn’t need us. Look, let’s have a different topic without any mention of this [Sisi]. Spin the wheel, spin the wheel”
KM: “Fashion! We’re talking Bolero jackets! We’re talking Monteaus! We’re talking overcoats! We’re talking skirts, belts and tank tops! Over to you Bassem!”
BY: “This seems like a safe topic. Fashion items, accessories, ladies clothing, men’s clothing. Seems safe, right? There’s no politics or anything else, right? Play it, son”
Clothes seller: “Come and get it! A pair for just twenty pounds! Only twenty a pair! Only twenty a pair, sir, guaranteed by Sisi!”
KM: “An unmissable opportunity! A brand name pair of jeans for only twenty pounds! What a giveaway!”
BY: “Khaled…”
KM: “Are you a fan of elegance and stability?”
BY: “Khaled…”
KM: “I’m earning a living. Just earning a living, please”
BY: “Why didn’t you just ask, so I could tell you how? You have to do it with style. By the way, someone is earning money by using your name unlawfully, and we cannot accept this…”
KM: “We would like to thank friend of the show, Bassem Youssef!”
BY: “Friend of the show!? It’s MY show!”
KM: “He said it himself! It’s his show, it’s all yours, Bassem! Let’s get back to our topic and talk fashion. It’s a big topic, accessories, jewellery, necklaces!”
BY: “Khaled, Khaled, they won’t mention him…”
KM: “Oh don’t worry. Roll it Khalifa”
Designer: “I made a necklace, the stones make up the Egyptian flag, and are inscribed with ‘I am Egyptian’”
Presenter: “And I can see Marshall Sisi?”
Designer: “Exactly”
Presenter: “Show the camera”
Designer: “It’s double-faced. On this side, there are some quotes, this was made my Auntie Magda, made especially for Marshall Sisi”
BY: “Guys, guys! Oh god!”
KM: “What’s wrong, Bassem?”
BY: “Auntie Magda is going to screw me now! Why are you guys doing this?”
KM: “Never mind, Bassem. We’ll change the topic. Spin the wheel Shadi
Cooking! Our show will be on cooking! We’re talking carving, we’re talking stuffing! Serve it up, Khalifa!”
BY: “No! No, wait a sec! Don’t serve it up, Khalifa! I have to check it first, I’m not stupid. Show me a sample of the video, if you follow these guys…Aubergines! That’s fine, that’s fine. Godspeed”
Caller 1: “The Marshall, whom God has graced us with, may God keep him with us always, Field Marshall Abdel Fattah el-Sisi.
Chef 1: “He’s the president and leader of the nation. He has spoken and that’s that”
Caller 2: “And I want to give Marshall Sisi a message, please”
Chef 2: “Have faith in Sisi! Have faith in Sisi! We have fed him. We have fed him”
BY: “I hope you enjoyed the food! Run the credits, Khalifa!”
KM: “Hey, hey! What’s up? Hold on, Khalifa!”
BY: “What do you expect me to do? There’s no escaping it!”
KM: “Never mind, never mind. Forget savoury food, let’s move onto to desserts. You know, cakes, cupcakes”
BY: “Cupcakes? I don’t think we should…”
Shadi: “Don’t worry!”
BY: “We’ll regret it”
KM: “C’mon man, what’s he going to say?! It’s cakes, cakes!”
Chef 2: “On the 19th we’re going to make a big cake for Sisi, for his birthday, and we can include Hassan’s birthday as well”
BY: “God damn you man! God damn you! Who are we to celebrate his birthday? He’s the one whoe should…who’s this Hassan anyway?”
KM: “You don’t know Hassan?” BY: “No”
KM: “Chef Hassan! Saturday to Wednesdays on MBC Misr!”
BY: “Oh so he’s a colleague, in the same channel! How come they bring him up and not me! This is really unfair. Let’s take a commercial break so I can catch my breath”
Ad: “Sisi Oil, in my wife’s kitchen, is a sure thing!”
BY: “How about that lion, though? But the ads on this channel are much shorter than they used to be, aren’t they?
OK, Mr. Gaber [channel owner] we want the next episode to…next episode hahaha! Next episode!
We’re all going to get nicely oiled!
Speaking of oil, how is your oil situation?”
KM: “A main thing of course. How about you, Shadi?”
Shadi: “Very important. You, Ayman?”
Ayman: “I actually eat street food all the time”
BY: “OK, let’s stick with unhealthy eating! Street food and takeaway are phenomena that are taking over our society”
KM: “A tragedy”
BY: “Our children are the victims of obesity and addiction to fast food. Obesity-related diseases have become chronic in our society. What’s up with fast food in Egypt?”
Newsreader: “There’s a shop that’s doing a sandwich called the ‘Sisi Mix’. You know those sandwiches that are mixed? This one is made up of chicken breast pieces, mixed with hot dog pieces”
BY: “Chicken breast and hot dog? It’s enough to make your stomach turn! I mean it will start a revolution in your stomach! I didn’t mean make your stomach turn! What’s this treacherous talk?! Run the credits, Khalifa!”
Ayman: “Wait, Khalifa!”
BY: “What’s up with him?”
KM: “I don’t know”
Ayman: “Wait, Khalifa! You wanna stop the show every 5 minutes?”
KM: “Forget it, Ayman. Spin the wheel, Shadi”
Ayman: “Don’t touch me! So because I’m fat you put his wheel on me and have the guy play around with me? We said cooking, so its cooking! Roll the video, Khalifa!”
Presenter: “Is it mutton or veal?”
Chef: “This is veal. Of course, it would work even better with mutton, but I thought this would be better so it can cook faster”
Ayman: “I’m sorry”
KM: “Football! The enchanting sport! The zero of the World Cup finals bid!”
BY: “You guys are worrying me…”
KM: “Why? Have we ever let you down?”
BY: “No, no, never”
KM: “Well then, football! The people’s beloved sport!”
BY: “Please don’t say ‘the people’”
KM: “OK no people! Roll it, Khalifa!”
Pundit 1: “There are respectable stars. And we’ll have Field Marshall Abdel Fattah El-Sisi, so we’re going to qualify for the World Cup. The players will give everything they’ve got as soon as they catch a glimpse of Field Marshall Sisi!”
BY: “But I remember that we won the second leg!”
Shadi: “So why didn’t we qualify?”
BY: “You silly boy! He could’ve attended the match and we would have qualified. But in his wisdom, he chose not to, you know why?”
Shadi and KM: “Why?”
BY: “Ask me why?”
Shadi and KM: “Why?”
BY: “So we learn how to depend on ourselves”
Everyone: “Ohhhh!”
Text: “Applause”
BY: “Do you get it now?
What else have you got?
Shadi: “I’ve got poetry and music”
BY: “OK, skip the spinning. Go with music”
KM: “Music! Like ‘I Can Be Upset, but I won’t Leave You’”
BY: “Shut up, shut up. OK, please let’s avoid Egyptian songs because that’s just a minefield. Can we do foreign music? Something like the ‘Music from the World’ and it’s hostess Hamdiyya Hamdy”
KM: “Like Hamdiyya Hamdy and stuff!”
BY: “Give me the mic, give me the mic”
Shadi: “And Sisi fought...”
Everyone: “Let go of the mic! Let go of the mic! Drop it!
BY: “Foreign music, not Arabic ones! Ones that have absolutely nothing to do with Egypt, please I’m begging you!”
Shadi: “Weren’t we all going to…?”
BY: “But wow, he’s really popular out of Egypt as well! But this music around the world is a nice idea. Did you know, in Spanish ‘si si’ means yes, yes”
KM: “Means yeah yeah!”
Shadi: “It means yep yep!”
BY: “The world is drumming [support] every day and everywhere. The foreigners have it figured out, guys!
What have we got left…?
Shadi: “There’s just poetry, go for it?”
BY: “Let’s go for it”
Not just anyone can recite poetry. Poetry is about emotions and rhymes. And please, for the love of God, don’t mention him!”
Poet: “So I hurried to Khufo to get his permission, and for why the permission? For who dares stand atop the great Pyramid if not this Sisi?”
Shadi: “Khaled, where did you say you’d parked?”
KM: “Behind the water tank. Come on”
BY: “Guys, wait! Let’s get shut down together!
You’re the only who stayed Ayman. A true friend you are. What should we talk about then? What else are people talking about? This is impossible. I’ll tell you what, we’ll just flip through the channels and see what we get”
Singer: “Sisi, Sisi Sisi o Sisi!”
Crowd: “Sisi is the man!”
TV presenter reading message: “My fiancée left me because I love Sisi so much”
Man with megaphone: “Sisi my love!”
Caller: “I think about Sisi when I’m sleeping”
Man with megaphone: “Sisi my soul!”
Woman: “I have Sisi’s picture in my purse”
Man with megaphone: “Sisiiiiii”
Man 2: “I’m at your command, Sisi!”
Presenter: “Sisi our love!”
Children: “O Sisi, the nation’s love”
Singer: “Sisi you are a great man!”
Successive cut shots: “Sisi, Sisi, Sisi....”
BY: “Ayman, Ayman
OK, we really tried. We tried to talk about anything else and it didn’t work, he’s everywhere! The question is why can’t we talk? As if a TV show could bring down a country, just because it has a few jokes. If we ignore the thing everyone is talking about, then we’re being stupid. And if today there’s one thing that’s off limits, tomorrow it will be two, then three, then four.* OK fine, no four. And if what we’re saying is upsetting you, we can have a section with audience participation. We can what other shows do and have the phone lines open. So that’s the solution. Let’s take a call, hello?
I know that music…
Hello?”
Caller: “Hello!”
BY: “No no!”
Caller: “What’s wrong Bassem? Don’t you know me?”
BY: “No I don’t!! See you after the break!”

*Bassem Youssef here makes a play on the word "raba'a", which means 'fourth', but also refers to Raba'a Al-Adawiyya, a Sufi saint with a Cairo mosque named after her, which Egyptians commonly call "Raba'a". The mosque was the site of large-scale pro-Mohamed Morsi protests in the wake of the 3 July 2013 coup and was also the site of a massacre by security and military forces seeking to clean the square of the protesters on 14 August 2013; hence Bassem Youssef’s reluctance to mention it.